*It took 3 weeks to post this because that's how long we looked for a photograph of the two of us that was nice. ?We are historically terrible at taking pictures together. ?So here's one from a date last spring that has been spliced together. *
So the thing is that right now I am feeling really grateful and sentimental and reflective but you have to understand that last night I was at work, starving, building cocktails into a keg while the Giraffe and I passed a couple of texts back and forth about how we were pretty sure it was our anniversary. ?And being elbow deep in simple syrup and coconut cream I got really disappointed in our lack of planning, and feeling hangry (hungry + angry, in case you've never been there) I sent this text:
This is dumb. ?Who cares. ?Let's just pretend we don't even have an anniversary.
Because I am a grown up wordsmith who is at all times deft at communicating feelings!
Needless to say we spent the rest of the evening discussing it, eating tacos, and watching tv in bed with our dogs. As you do, when you are at the end of an anniversary you forgot to celebrate.
I felt confused about the whole thing, really. ?One thing about me is that I love celebrations. ?I love holidays, weddings, birthdays, ceremony, tradition, sentiment expression, pinatas, everything. ?I love occasions to do something different and exchange your feelings with a loved one. ?So it seems quite odd that I would have let a day like this arrive and pass without any planning or preparation or love notes. ?But it just kind of...happened. ?I thought about things we could do all year, we talked about how it was coming up, and then, whoops, there it was.
This is in part due to the fact that my intentions come from the best place, but I easily build expectations that cannot possibly be met. ?So in worrying I won't meet the expectations I have created I wind up doing absolutely nothing instead. ?If we can't go to Palm Springs and learn to play golf in funny outfits looking totally tan and beautiful for our anniversary then we will do nothing! (side note: playing golf sounds really hilarious but I have no serious interest in doing it. I mean, it's golf.) ?It is also due to the fact that for the last two anniversaries we have been in flux. ?It always falls during that time of year when money is tight, there is no routine or schedule to our lives, and we are just focusing on the fundamentals of survival. ?It's kind of inconvenient to spend money and time doing something that doesn't matter the way paying bills, working, making career goals, seeing family, or fixing our furnace matters. ?If our anniversary was in August we would be golden. ?So, I guess it's our bad for melding our universes in the dead of winter. (Hey, single people! Shack up in the summer! It will likely be more convenient later on!)
I think it is also due to the fact that when you finally reach the day you are supposed to celebrate the fact that you have this awesome relationship you realize that it is kind of meaningless to point it out on one day above all others. ?It's like Valentine's Day. ?Why do we celebrate that? ?Shouldn't we be celebrating love all year long? I don't know how it is for other people, but I am blessed to be in a relationship with a partner who communicates his love to me on a daily basis. ?We are thoughtful and romantic (ew) with one another on days that don't mean anything and not because we have to but because we want to. ?Every day for the last two months the Giraffe has come to me in the morning when it is time for me to get up, knelt down beside the bed, kissed me, and handed me a cup of coffee. ?That is some thoughtful romantic shit! ?That is not a thing that he is obligated to do. (although I am getting quite accustomed to the luxurious treatment.) ?That is a thing he does because he loves me and wants to add to my happiness. ?We say thank you for things we are thankful for in the other person. ?We talk about feelings, special memories, and plans for the future. ?We do this at the grocery store, walking the dogs, and aimlessly looking at the internet on our respective computers.
It was our 5th anniversary yesterday, and in five years I can say that expressing sentiments and celebrating our relationship has not faded in the slightest. ?To be honest, as we continue to become more grounded mature human beings it has probably gotten better. ?It is an inherent part of our relationship. ?Exchanging feelings of love is woven into the fabric of our relationship like some sappy, embarrassing sweater that you can't take off. I feel self-conscious to admit that because I am afraid it sounds like I am saying things are perfect, and they are not. ?Our relationship is real, and therefore imperfect. ?I am just very very blessed to be with someone who naturally communicates feelings with a similar frequency to me. ?(I said similar, not equal!)
So it was our 5th anniversary yesterday, and I was feeling disappointed that we didn't do anything and then also feeling confused about why it mattered. ?Because honestly, aside from the implied societal pressure to give a shit about it, I don't think it actually matters that much at all. ?What really is special is that we have been together that long, and have done all the things that we have done, together, and when you're our age five years still seems like an impressive amount of time. But there is nothing pertaining to love or gifts or feelings that I need from him that I don't already get. ?Except maybe some lavish gifts. ?What can I say, I love presents.
In the end we wound up eating a bag of tacos (not a euphemism) and reading the email I sent him with his flight itinerary so many winters ago, when he met me in New York and our relationship began. ?And sharing a moment of acknowledging that the journey thus far has been incredibly special, and we want to continue on it together.
Maybe someday when we're married we'll "do" more "things" to celebrate. ?But for now, it turns out discussing our forgetfulness, a sack of Mexican food, and an email is just as meaningful and a WHOLE LOT cheaper than a weekend away. To walk away from yesterday feeling disappointed would be to miss the point.
I would also like to take this moment to publicly thank the Giraffe for "hanging in there" all this time. ?I'm sure that I'm nice or whatever, but just ask any of my exboyfriends, being with me can be a real THING. ?It takes a lot of patience, driving me around, doing the laundry (I'll just let it go unwashed forever), listening to me talk my way through everyyyyyyything, reminding me it's time to go to bed (and get up), planning, processing, problem solving, navigating feelings (all the feelings), and picking up after me (tiny tornado) to be in this relationship. ?So, thank you Cary. ?Your incredible patience and kindness does not go unnoticed.
And now that I've sufficiently grossed myself out with the public displays of affection I'm going to go listen to some super hard rap songs and act really tough.
It's ok to admit that love is nice and feelings are real.
It's just a little embarrassing to be all about it out loud.
I'm working on appreciating as much as I practice complaining.
Source: http://iamthelightningrod.blogspot.com/2013/03/dear-relationships-we-missed-our.html
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